my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
