I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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