my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
