I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
