If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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