i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
