It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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