Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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