EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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