2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
