i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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