matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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