as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
