I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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