I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
