He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize