Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
