i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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