too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
