i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
