if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize