Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
