new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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