I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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