It's Friday. Sex?
i just had sex bonerless
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
