I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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