I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
