Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
