I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
