i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The best revenge is premature balding
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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