found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
