I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize