Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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