Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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