; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
