I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i think i have two assholes
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
