listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
