If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
