its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
