This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
