I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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