Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
