Kareoke will never be a sober sport
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just found puke in my bra..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize