dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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