he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
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