NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
