I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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