I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize
