Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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