I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
