This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
