New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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