Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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