There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
they're like a gay fantastic four
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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