when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
