How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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