I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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