Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
