he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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