You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
