you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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