I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
